I recently started taking Prozac, and I have to admit it really does make me feel better. It takes away the heaviness and slow-motion I usually feel. And today I noticed something even better. It made me feel like almost my true self. Getting rid of the depression and anxiety gave me a small peek at what it would be like if I wasn't so emotionally damaged. It felt damn good. It actually made me feel powerful and slightly confident, as opposed to helpless and lacking confidence in every way possible. Yes, my little miracle drug is working, despite having some "slight" side-effects(increased anxiety the first few hours, paranoia and hyperactivity at night). Small price to pay for happiness, right? Besides, it also helps with my will and inspiration to write. My last blog is an example of what happens when I stop taking it and force myself to write. This time I have the Prozac in my system and am truly inspired to write. With that said, lets go a bit deeper into the meaning of the "other side-effects".
As I mentioned above, it makes me feel better, almost like myself, blah blah blah. But, as with everything else in life, there is a dark side. And no, I'm not talking about Darth Vader talking to me while I'm under the influence of Prozac. I mean an emotional dark side. There is something truly and utterly terrifying about being my true self. My fear can be divided up into 3 things: the fear of not liking my true self, the fear of not knowing how to be my true self, and the fear of not being able to control myself. The first two are pretty self-explanatory, the third one I will explain further. I'm afraid of not being able to stop shedding away parts of my current self and end up with an incomplete, egotistical, unstoppable human being who does not "play well" with others. You're probably thinking "Well, why don't you just take away all the bad stuff?" Well, sir or madam, I can't just do that because I don't know which bad stuff is the result of my depression and which bad stuff is just part of who I am. At this point it feels like the third Spider-Man movie, where Peter Parker finds the "Venom" suit thingy and it sort of takes over with time and he can't quite get rid of it. That's how my depression feels, like the Venom suit that's stuck on me and is now an integral part of my being. I fear that if I "surgically" remove the Venom suit, I'll inevitably lose part of myself and end up incomplete anyways. How do I know what and how much to remove from myself? How do I know where to draw the line that separates being free from being crazy and out of control? I hope at some point it'll become clear. But in the meantime, I'm scared shitless.
Paws up.
Never remove the "venom suit" you gotta look for redemption of your own mistakes when the time comes, u can't try to go tru life without making mistakes. You will screw up, you will hurt people. Deal with it MAN UP! everybody who is worth anyones time of day is kinda crazy...I am so dont knock on that, if the world was "normal" or boring people's idea of normal, it would suck worse than it does!!
ReplyDeleteJRB
I sure can understand the fears. Being stable on Prozac is like living in a dark room and all of a sudden, the light switch goes on. I could see more clearly, and more important, I could feel more clearly. Depression doesn't just deaden our senses, it also deadens our emotions. And there have been times in my life that I needed that deadening just to survive by keeping the pain damped down.
ReplyDeleteWhen you are not bogged down in the neurochemical despair, you will likely find that there is more clarity in your feelings and you're actually able to deal with them better. But one of the most important gifts is that it will allow you to find out who your true self is, and what that means. You can be truer to your true self when you know who s/he is, and can make judgments about how to express your true self.
It's a scary journey, but it IS a journey and you ARE moving forward. Untreated depression is utter paralysis and you can become even more depressed because you are depressed and paralyzed.
I'm looking forward to reading more blogs from you as you share your journey.